I recently read a blog by fellow author, Brea Brown who gave me the idea for this blog post. Hers was geared towards Chick Lit romance because that’s what she writes. I write romantic suspense so mine is a lot more fun! Sorry, Brea. 🙂 People are often surprised that I ended up writing romantic suspense. I couldn’t agree more. It certainly wasn’t part of my plans when I decided to become a writer before hitting puberty. What they probably don’t know is that I watch a lot of Investigation Discovery and Mystery Detectives, along with all the special shows they offer. The stories about human nature and the risky and stupid choices we make to get what we want are disturbing and fascinating. It’s like watching a really nasty accident happen and not being able to pry your eyes away. The biggest surprise about writing suspense? How much I enjoy it. I get to explore the dark natures and emotions of my characters and even myself. Scary to some, great for me. Can you say free therapy? But what would life be like if it was a suspense/thriller? Let’s take a look at some ways I think it would work out great.
Stalking people would be okay
Ever cyber stalked a celebrity or thought about doing it in person? Not a problem if your life is a suspense/thriller. In fact, I’m certain it’s a must have trait. My days would be filled with binocular views of Zac Efron, Nathan Fillion, and Ryan Gosling. Imagine following them to restaurants, watching them take long (in my mind really long) showers, and sleep at night, digging through their closet drawers for underwear to sniff…what? Too much?
Kill that rude person at the store
I like to smile or say something nice to salespeople having a bad day which usually cheers them up, but what about those who are rude, obnoxious, and downright nasty no matter how polite you are? Perfect candidates for running over with your car after their shift or stabbing them with a broken store product in the alleyway while they go for a smoke. Mawhahah!
Freak out that annoying neighbor
Have you got a neighbor who doesn’t return things they borrow, has wild parties every weekend, or doesn’t clean up the crap their animals leave in your yard? No problems. Just invite them over and add them to the collection of body parts in your refrigerator. Or you could tie them up in your basement and torture them with your borrowed tools. I hear a neighborhood bar-b-que party is all the rave. Hahahah!
Get rid of unwanted family
We all have them. That one (or maybe even two) family members that makes you wonder if they’re really related. They come for the weekend, but stay for months. They eat all your food, borrow money they have no intention of paying back, and make messes they never clean up. Black sheep? Bawha! I have two words for you. Fishing trip!
Scare your spouse straight
Spouse giving you a hard time? Can’t get the hubbie to help out around the house or with the kids? Tell them you just increased their life insurance policy. Have conversations on the phone that imply you’re going to get rid of them, or have them wake up in the middle of the night to find you standing over them holding a hammer. Tell them you made something special for them to drink after stocking up on antifreeze. *rubbings hands together* Hahaha, mawhaha! Wait. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. What about you? What wicked thing(s) would you do if your life was a suspense/thriller? Come one. You can tell me! 🙂
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I enjoyed your post, Elke…I can see how it could be fun to have a suspense -thrillers life. But what about the romance side?
I’ll save the romance for another post. 🙂
That was hysterical, Elke! What a fun read! I’m with Brea, writing boring chick lit 😉 so I never really thought about the appeal of writing romantic suspense. But thanks to this post, I totally get it! So since I’m a professor, I could see asking that one student who always gives me a hard time in class and challenges my grading, etc. (it’s a new student every semester!) to come to my office hours. We could just have a nice little chat about his or her concerns and I could offer a lovely beverage to smooth things over, maybe a little lemonade or iced tea. Little would the student know it’s laced with RAT POISON! mawahaha! You’re right, that was a blast!
Thanks, Patricia! Not everyone appreciates my humor.
Aww, college students. Watch out! Writing suspense is addictive. 🙂
I love this post and I can totally relate! I think I would start with the obnoxious soccer moms & dads who yell at their kids even though they’re playing their best. And then I would move on to the drivers in the left lane doing 10 under the speed limit…Hmm…I think I see an idea for a book coming on…or at the very least a short story!
Obnoxious moms and dads! Perfect candidates along with bad drivers. Why didn’t I think of that? 🙂
Road rage has definite possibilities.
Let’s see . . . wicked things to do to my family…
(1) Tell my 16-year-old there’s no more Goldfish crackers.
(2) Tell my 14-year-old she can’t craft or draw for one week.
(3) Tell my 9-year-old he can’t watch or play baseball.
(4) Tell my 7-year-old no more Minecraft.
(5) Leave my teabag in the cup in the kitchen sink rather than throw it away – my husband hates that.
Not as scary as holding a knife over their heads, but trust me. If any one of the above things happened, THEY’d FREAK.
Thanks for joining April’s Hump Day Blog Hop!!
Great choices! My 9-year-old freaks out when his Minecraft is taken away. 😉
What an entertaining post, Elke! Heather, that comment about driving 10 miles under the speed limit in the fast lane is an excellent idea, but I think my form of revenge would be to gift my victim some laxative brownies.
LOL! Love the laxative brownies idea. I could think of a couple people who deserve them. 🙂
Elke, this is hilarious! And now you’ve given me dark fantasies about offing my loser neighbor. But can I bury him under his own nasty-ass house instead of letting his body parts clutter up my freezer? Hmm…I’m another chick lit writer, but perhaps we all have romantic suspense capabilities deep down–?
Lol! I like that idea.
Come over to the dark side, Jayne. Maybe you could create a new genre. Suspenseful chick lit?
Excellent blog here! Also your web site loads up fast!
What host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
I wish my site loaded up as fast as yours lol
Thanks, Tahlia! I use godaddy. Here’s the link http://www.godaddy.com/
I know people who’ve had problems with them, but I’m not one of them. 🙂 Good luck!